Affirmations from "The Undomestic Goddess" (in reference to Sophie Kinsella's novel)
Last night, the unthinkable happened -- I cried over my career.

No, that's not to say that I have never cried about work/my career. I have ... about thrice in 12 years (twice out of frustration, and once out of anger). But let me give you some backgrounder/ history on why I think crying about my career, at this stage, should be unthinkable.

I lived and breathed advertising (Media) for 12 years, from 1993-2005. From 1993-1998, I handled the Procter & Gamble account, and one of my several P&G brands was the huge Tide Family. I worked like a slave, leaving the office when I am left with only the ghosts. Being the last (wo)man out was not a rarity. Whenever I declare "I'm leaving early today. Promise.", my groupmates would tease me, saying I wouldn't receive anything when I die, save for a corona of flowers and a mass card. I thrived under pressure, and secretly enjoyed stress. I felt good handling a demanding account and probably one of the bloodiest P&G brands. Yes, I was a sadist.

But after years had gone by, the thrill was gone, and I was past the "honor" stage. I felt empty. I asked myself once, "So, P&G is your Client, and you feel fulfilled and accomplished. But are you still happy?". That was the turning point. Fulfillment didn't matter as much to me anymore -- I wanted my life back.

Fast forward to seven years later -- When my husband, Joey, and I were granted our immigrant visas to the US, I said to him that I would not want to work again in the pressure-cooker world of advertising. My 12-year advertising stint was very fruitful and fulfilling, and I will always treasure the experience, thank you very much, but I wanted out already. I saw this migration as the perfect opportunity to start my career life anew.

Fast forward to a couple of months of living in the US -- Okay, Starbucks will not even entertain my application. My small dream of wanting to be a barista was not going to happen. "Overqualified". Bah, humbug -- ano ba pake nila if I want to do something laborious/clerical/
"blue collar", for a change?! A favorite former client of mine, Deeda Pama, chided me for wanting to be a barista -- "And please, it's everyone's escapist fantasy to be a barista at Starbucks ... And come on, when the novelty wears off, you'll be wishing you were back in Media.". She made sense, and that actually struck me. I still keep that little dream at the back of my mind, though.

I was never interviewed for a barista position. Not even once. Instead, I was getting interviews for Media Planner/Buyer.

Where am I now? I am back in advertising.

I lost all drive for a career, lost all motivation and interest. What mattered to me was the bottom line, my take-home pay.

So why did I cry over my career last night? I cried out of frustration.

Batong-bato ako sa trabaho. I have so many things to learn in this new market (the US), but the opportunities just aren't there. I am underutilized and, I feel, much underrated. This has been going on since my first day, and I didn't really care where my career was headed, or if there was room for growth -- kahit wala akong ginagawa sa opisina, basta ba sinusuwelduhan ako, de wagi. I took on that attitude because I felt blessed being paid for not working too hard at all. I didn't mind anymore being a member of the 501 Club (a term we used in Manila to refer to people who leave the office on the dot) because it meant I could still do other things before going home.

But having been used to the dog-eat-dog world of advertising in Manila -- where yesterday was the deadline; Clients are always requesting reports; you are in contact with Clients and AEs 24/7; raised tempers and high blood pressure are common; and eliminating competition was the name of the game -- I slowly longed for my old life. This longing would bother me every now and then, but I would just brush it off ...

Until I read Sophie Kinsella's "The Undomestic Goddess". The book made me realize things. It affirmed one thing -- I am absolutely crazy! I still want the dog-eat-dog world (see above)! I still want to feel fulfilled and accomplished in my career, and not merely look forward to my next paycheck. I still want to feel that I am worth a lot to my bosses, and not just someone whose loss they would take lightly. Right now, my feelings have sunk, and I feel worthless as a career person.

And that is why I cried. I did not expect to cry -- in fact, I, myself, was surprised with the tears. I went up to Joey, only wanting to discuss my thoughts. Instead, I felt an ache in my heart, then I burst into tears. As you can see, the ending is not quite the same as Samantha Sweeting's in Sophie Kinsella's novel.

So where do I go from here -- do I go back to Manila and slug it out again with the rest of my former colleagues? O hahayaan ko na lamang na maburo ako dito sa opisinang 'to? Definitely not the latter. Let's wait and see.

In the meantime, go for the big fish and kick some ass, once more! This career girl's heydays ain't over yet!